Finding out who we are

It was about 1984 and I was "taking a break" from college and working as an administrative assistant in the Early Childhood Education department in the College of Education at the University of SC.

I couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. If I grew up. As the girl voted "most likely to be the first woman president" in high school, this was an uncomfortable place to be. I'd majored in Philosophy, International Studies, Latin American Studies, and Journalism. They all seemed interesting at first, but then they lost their glow. I felt like Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar, reaching out to a branch full of plums, but not able to choose which plum I wanted. When I reached for one, the others began to wither. Everything seemed to be desirable, but not forever.

If you don't know, I'll tell you that you do not want to feel like Sylvia Plath in The Bell Jar. It doesn't end well in fiction or reality. It is not a comfortable place to be.

Fast forward about 40 years, and I still felt like a girl reaching for the perfect plum. I'd taught using computers for writing and social studies in high school, run for an office I knew little about, had three children over 12 years, learned to be social while drinking too much, gone back to school in accounting, worked as a tax preparer/bookkeeper for a small CPA firm, joined a church and a new religion (for me), worked as a children and youth Christian Formation leader, received certification in Formation, Godly Play, Listening Hearts, and finally, became a Spiritual Director. And it was all interesting and I was still trying to fill the place that I thought was there. The career place, which in my mind, meant MY PLACE.

I'll tell you another thing, if you haven't figured it out. It turns out I have ADHD and had succeeded in K-12 and part of college on my natural intelligence, wit, and their low standards. There were tough spots in high school when I was challenged more than I wanted to be and there were times I was challenged in things I enjoyed and so I worked on it. In college, I didn't have coddling and I did have the Spur, a campus bar, that did wonders for my social skills but did not help me deal with finishing boring stuff. And I still did ok for awhile. I went to lectures by world leaders and was exposed to some very good professors and a whole world of interesting people. I stumbled through jobs, again gathering skills and meeting interesting people, and I learned to listen to people without judging and without wondering what it had to do with me, and discovered an ability to teach people about things without making them feel like I was a teacher.

Learning that I have ADHD and may be inching onto the Autism Spectrum has been a relief for me. I no longer think of myself as a loser, flaky, lazy, ditzy chick. I am less inclined to think of myself as an imposter pretending to be able to do things and waiting to be found out. I keep saying, Wow, that explains a lot. I am not sitting down and saying I have ADHD so I can't do that. I'm saying, look at all the ways I've coped over the years. Now what can I do to work through these (remaining} problems? And how can I use this knowledge, this experience, these skills, to help other people?

Sometimes we need a label to realize we don't need to be something different. We can become the best US within the parameters of our way of being and knowing. Whether it's Myers-Briggs (INXP), Enneagram (leading with 4 with a 5 wing), astrology (Leo Sun, Rising, Venus, Libra Moon), or any other thing that can give us a perspective on ourselves, it's worth exploring. The "labels" don't define us, we do that. The tests or inventories may give us a vocabulary and a map that will help us find paths. We will still do THE WORK. These are the good shoes that give us support to Just do it.